A trying-to-be-brief review of my life these past few months..

A trying-to-be-brief review of my life these past few months..

Although I've put up this blog quite for a long time, I've just realized how I haven't made full use of it to make a real review of my life at this instant I'm living. It was just that, I was so confused of myself, of what I am, how I am and what I'm going to do. I must admit I was scared to think of how people will think of me, bloody stupid that is. And since you can never live up to people's expectations, or to control of what they think of you, and how they treat you, why letting them make you hold yourself back from being who you really are. It doesn’t matter one way or another. You are what you are. Just because you want to befriend someone’s cute, you want to be that. Of coz you can’t.. I think I’m beginning to understand (not really understand yet), that you are what you let yourself to think you are. When you think you are a bore, then you’ll always carry that thought wherever you go and make yourself a bore. Coz that’s what you think of yourself. Just forsake what others think coz you will never be able to control other people’s thoughts. Only what you think of yourself will matter. (Hopefully this resolution will show in my life, not just a sudden thought)

These past few months:

When I came back from Japan, part of me was really boasting about it, hehe. I felt lucky to have such opportunity to travel (not that someone offered me the money to go travel tho, erm maybe dats rite, thanks to you mum). It was really worth it. To heck with those few thousands spent, but I gain a lot more than the short-lived fun of the trip. It was totally something more precious. Experience! And the chance to meet up people and see a country you’ve only seen on maps. It’s a no wonder I started complaining about my own country when I do the comparison of what’s there and what’s not here, my own ‘beloved’ country. I started to be critical and analytical. Part of the reason I started to think of why I shouldn’t just accept what I am, and what I have today. Leave greed out of this.

Yeah that’s the good part of my trip there. There’s always the bad part. I couldn’t stand of being there more than those 3 long weeks. That was enough I guess. I was missing home, and some problems came up that needed me home as soon as possible. How problems just disconcert you even when you’re trying to have fun.

Strange how the best day of my trip was the day we’re going back home. pretty contrast but that’s the real thing. I can say the best day of my life was to get to see my mum again. The days spent wif your parents should always be the happiest and the best days of our lives since you can return to the source of your comfort. Spending my holiday home was among the best time I’ve ever had. Even when I was confined in the house because of the heat and so on. I felt good. And the whole month I spent home before going back to Adelaide, I was trying to contain my unhappiness of having to go back. Been rattling about it most of the time. And when the time really came, I felt nothing. I figured I had felt homesick enough before even coming back here, and so there was no more feeling of homesick in me afterward. How uncanny.

I felt nothing when I came back here. Maybe a bit worried. Another same problem I have every semester. Gosh this is the third time. What a pattern I made. Maybe someone should have given me a nick ‘miss-every-semester-has-to-move-out’. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’ll just laugh then. haha. Serve me right in a way but very useful in another.
I get to really settle myself of where I’m living, with whom, and how it suits me. ‘For the time being’, I’m living in a hostel which happened not to be in my list of plans. But still I got here. And that’s good enough for me for now. I get to set my mind clear of all distracting things that relates to people. I can think more clearly now, at least for the time being. It’s not really good in a way to some people, coz they think you don’t get to socialize and mingle with people you’re living with. Well trust me I’ve had enough socializing and mingling with people that I end up here, where I am now. Whatever people might think I’m a hard-to-get-along person what-so-ever, I just don’t care. Not when you’ve had all that and you end up getting so distracted of your main purpose why you’re even here. It doesn’t worth a penny. Now I’m sounding like a real moron who’s holding a grudge or prejudice against people. I still think people need friends. But it goes that ‘you can never live without friends, but you simply cannot live with them’. How true is that? I find that the more I’m close to a person, the more I’m beginning to hate her starting-to-be-revealed real attitude which just pissed me off in way that I’m even starting to hate myself for that. Not that I don’t believe in having good or best friends, coz I have those, but just set your mind that not everyone can be that. When I started to know a person better, an ordinary friend at first, I would think really carefully of how well I get along with this person, and how well she accepts me. I’ll just see what we have in common, and then I’ll just share only things we have in common. That’s the best thing to do for the time being until you discover the potential of them becoming a real truest friend. At least for me. now that’s the thing about moving out. Not that friends become the main reason why I move around so much, there were other problems of course. I wouldn’t wanna bother talking about those tho.

Starting my new year, new semester at least has to mean something to me. It does. In a really significant way. It’s starting now or never, that I’ve learned my lesson not to neglect my studies with other distracting things. Not that I can never have a life what-so-ever and not do the other stuffs, like going to tafseer class and swimming lesson on Sundays, or going out with friends to rundell mall. But I’m tying really hard to really focus. Coz that’s the real reason I’m here, to focus on what I came here to do. Finish off my degree. One might say I could have done that back home where it’s closer to families and comfortable surrounding. But that’s exactly the point. To drag myself out of the comfort zone and try something more adventurous and challenging. Something that adds spices to your short boring life and make you something more than you would be without having gone through all that. for myself, it is a real challenge, being here in a completely strange surrounding with strangers, and strange way of life other than you’d known your 19 years of living (for myself). This is where I can tell how ‘big’ the place I had been living in all these time is. I just wondered how I managed to get that shy and timid girl out of me. Without noticing it, here I am. I feel a bit more assured about myself. I wouldn’t imagined where I’d be now if I had taken the other road, the clear path which many people had gone through since it wasn’t as bushy and thorny as the other.
One of the things that really put me off the hook was how I was going to catch up with these white people who can simply doze off in lectures and still excel in their exams (only few genius people do that lol). And it took me a one good year to learn and adapt to their system. Not that dozing off in lectures tho. One good wasted year. I really hope, this instant I’m jotting this down, there would be no more regret about this in the future. Never again. It doesn’t mean I always have to excel to be happy. Simply the thought that I have put all the best I got into it. That’s what’s really going to make me really overwhelmingly happy, whatever the outcome is. Oh God let me be strong in this.

Ok I’ll just have to put aside the ‘study’ stuffs for now though. Such a distressing thought which should not be a thought alone, but action ma. An interesting part of moving here, this village is that I get to see more people instead of the few people I live with when I shared a house. Only that they’re not from your usual or ‘comfortable’ circle of people. of course sometimes I find it really annoying about these people’s behavior such as when they were having parties right in the backyard which happens to be the nearest to my window. With all those banging of music, I felt like banging some sense into them. That’s what I mean when I say ‘comfortable’ circle of people. But of course who am I to dictate how they should behave tho the idea really thrills me. Some are nice some are just not so nice. Another thing that we have to cope in life. Thankfully I make some friends with the nice people here. Particularly in the kitchen. it was quite disconcerting at first because most of them are guys. But what the heck I’m hungry. I might as well starve. Besides, what do I have against guys. They are human only of different type. Now I don’t find the idea of having a bit chit chat with them harmful (being a Muslim as I am, like you’re not supposed to talk to men or something). Indeed, it makes me no more awkward or self conscious with them so I wouldn’t pay more heed than necessary to them (I never thought being self conscious is good). And there’re also the girls with whom I made friends. They’re real nice. i'm doing ok for now tho once in awhile i talk to the walls. but what the heck i'm as happy as i could be. omisgosh not that! i'm still sane. totally.

hurm i think that's all for now. very brief isnt it. but nothing is simply and brief in life to describe.