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The New Year is approaching in a couple of days. I really have no idea how to react. Happy? Sad? I really don’t know. What have I actually gained all these time in 2005?

When you really think of it, how fast the time flies. You don’t even realize it until it fleds away leaving you far far behind, whatever sadness, happiness you feel. I am on holiday. Three months. That can actually mean my whole future when it comes to having exam within that period of time. But now being off from uni, as if being off from doing anything, which is actually absurd. As if I live just to have exams.

I admit it. I got carried away. Without realizing it or not. I did, and still am. It is just a matter of bringing myself together again.

This entry has no title. Coz I don’t know what exactly I am going to talk about. Or why. Maybe you can call it a random emotional expression. Women, can never live without showing off emotional distress.

I was browsing through the net, and as usual these past few weeks I got obsessed with this naruto anime, which is certainly not good. It is surely harmless, but obsession that does it. Well I really got to bring myself around now.

The routine that I really am not enjoying is browsing the news in my country. But certainly something necessary no matter how pathetic there are going to be, as usual. No doubt about. Sometime I got so disgusted and pi**ed off that I couldn’t stand to read it. The very same thing happens over and over again.

Recently, since my obsession with comics and anime, I realized I had neglected my readings. It’s been awhile since I got serious into reading things about Islam, like there are too many things to read that I’d abandoned all of em.

There are actually really good websites that I should have browsed everyday. It is sort of an infusion to one’s thirsty mind and soul. I totally forgot how I have deprived their rights to those kind of infusion. I realize that the only way to gain as much knowlodge is thorugh reading. Yes of coz you have teachers and so on, but you also gotta read. Like the in surah al-A’laq,1:

“Read! In the name of your Lord Who has created (all that exists)”.

I read the Utusan Malaysia and suddenly felt like to browse the article segments of the online news. There was this so called ‘reflective’ article titled “Tahun aneka peristiwa’ that reviews the tragedies and stuff in 2005, as we are approaching the New Year. Yes no harm in that tho. The writer certainly has knowledge about the currents issues so on so forth. Still I couldn’t find the message the author was trying to convey. Then I read the next article which I think is related to the first one titled ‘manusia wajar memahami bumi’ which translated to be human should understand the earth. As pathetic as the title sounds, the content was no better. What the author was conveying is that, we should integrate and cooperate the earth, or in another words love the earth and do not offend the earth.

I totally feel sick. Well maybe the author is atheist or something, but I am pretty sure he’s a Malay and a Muslim. He speaks like there is no God whatsoever and there was not once he mentioned about God. As if the earth acts on its own and has no other controlling and monitoring it. I could see how much he tried to bring the subject of God into discussion and uses common sense instead to justify his opinion, which is not justified of coz. What lousy arguments. The tsunamis, earthquake, and so on which had struck the earth are due solely to the earth itself. Is that what the author was trying to convey? Why do people try as much as they could to avoid talking about the Creator? Well of coz I am a totally no one to talk about this. Who am I to judge people anyway? I could only sigh and sigh again. To blame while not knowing them and their circumstance is just absurd.

As pathetic as those kind of articles can be, some people would accept them anyway. No matter how absurd the arguments might sound, some people would still be too blind to see the truth, coz that’s what they have been fed with all these time.

I realized the power of writing. Sometimes writing can be much more powerful than words can ever express and 10 times more influential. I find myself easily influenced by some people’s writing, be it being offended or otherwise. I also find myself touched and moved by some writing much more than when I was given a lecture by someone. How amazing that words can totally change one’s paradigm. I find that in seconds my perceptions towards something that I’d believed for so long could switch to another paradigm just by reading words, even not knowing the author.

It has been a while since I browsed through Saiful Islam. I opened it today and they some new articles he wrote. I am very moved by the way he expresses his opinion about some issues. It is casual and relaxing but at the same time very powerful in its meaning. I love his latest article about “Pendakwah mesti berminat dengan manusia” which means “A preacher has to be interested in people”. He talks by experience and knowledge which makes him a truly good author.

He basically conveys that we should understand people, and integrate with people. Which to me sounds really really hard. He mentions some good authors for books that teach about people. The thing is those authors are non-muslims and yet they talk about things that are taught by Islam in the Quran. They can even talk about the purpose of life, but only to the wrong god that they believe. But Abu Saif takes only good things from what was being written by in the books. he shows how we should only learn good things from people, no matter what their belief is. Although we call ourselves muslims, do we act like one? What does being a Muslim really mean to me? How pathetic that muslims have to learn from the non-muslims the traits that Muslims should already have.

Since the author has traveled a lot, he learnt so many things about people other than his own people. It makes him to see the shortcomings of the muslims in his country, my country. I could not have agreed more to him since I myself am in a non-Muslim country now. The aussie are much more civilized in thinking their awareness towards their surrounding. The are more sensitive in communicating and integrating among themselves. I wish the muslims would come about and change the way they think as it is ordained.

His article made me really think why I am born into this world. It is not something I don’t know, but it’s quite a wonder how every time I am being reminded about it, I jumped back as if I am being harshly dragged back into the real world after drifting so deep into fantasy or something. This world seems like a hallucination, when you sink down too much in it. You just lose it. You lose your focus on the real purpose you are being created. Like I always do. Over and over again. How I am given His Mercy to bring me back over and over again but I was not grateful. I failed to bring myself together and stay on the track to approach the real destination. I forget. Over and over and over again. Will I be guided till the day I die? 

From those two authors, I can actually make a conclusion. Those with ‘iman and knowledge’ and those who only has knowledge. How much difference it makes, HUGE! When one is equipped with knowledge and iman, he sees the world in a totally different way and live his life as a complete Muslim in every aspect.

I am just an ordinary person seeking the truth in life, which already lies in front of me. But sometimes I am just blinded, with glitterings that are fake and temporary. Even writing this, I have no idea what good it does for others or me. Or even why I actually I do it. I am a person with no knowledge whatsoever and there might be something that I only use common sense which sometimes is not sensible. Whatever it is, I ask forgiveness from Allah for my weaknesses.

Boring

Erm tgh cuti skrg...around 4 months. ..sblm cuti mase nak exam bkn main lagi mcm2 idea dlm kepala nak buat ape..itu la ini la..ha bile dah cuti terus mati kutu mati akal taktau nak buat apa..dh dekat sebulan cuti and still tak buat banyak benda..now i realize bliss of being busy..

paling sedih asyik menghantar org kt airport jek..day after day sorang2 balikk....arghh cam kalau semua org tak balik kan bestt...keje dah la tak dapat..mula2 igt leh la gi kutip buah..erm dh xder rezeki nak wat cmne..lgpon bila pk summer yang panasss gilerr nih, maleh lak nak keje.nak dudukk je dlm bilik yg beraircond nih..hehe.hibernate time summer...


a few days ago ade la jugak gi crabbing..tp satu ketam pon xdpt..yg dpt ketam kecik sekor, and ketam alien..adei takleh makan maa..so lepas balik..ntah mcmana ramai org lak mase tu..weekend. so kiteorg maleh nak tunggu lama2 kt jeti tu belah awal..pulang dengan hampa..

crabbing sambil makan2 pasta

pelik tul lagi banyak masa yg ade lg rase nak buang masa..byk jek buku2 nk go thorough tp still nk duk saja2 and then complain boring xder benda nk buat..what the..??? well that's just me..anyway kalau asyik bace buku jek cam of coz la bosan..sometimes i just dont feel like doing passive things..membace ni mungkin time nak tido ke...hehe

the weather is one thing...and money is another...yg my fren nih nk ajak wat mende selalu pk pasal duit..takleh nk salahkn pon..kenala berjimat2..tp aku yg boros jek..bile pk balik nk wat sumthing mesti kena gune duit..nothing is free..unless nk gi jogging or breeze walking which i dont feel like doing for now altho konon nk lose some weight..daaa..

the thing which i dont know whether i look forward to is my family coming here in late january...time tu kan peak summer..mesti panasssss giler2..sian laks dieorg nk jalan2 time cmni..kalau aku bior la xleh jalan yg penting xyah berpanas2..still dh plan so gotta go on with it...sian makk..igt nnti nk suh mak ajar menjahit..hehe tetibe jek rase minat..nk wat baju sendiri..cam best jek kalau dpt tgk hasil sendiri..

my fren suggest nk polish skill memasak but then..the thot of eating is really god but the thot of cooking..adeii...cmne nk kawin nih huhu...maleh benor memasak..makan suka masak malas..kalau masak suka makan suka lagi dahsyat gak tu..hehe..

erm skang tgk mnecari idea gak nak buat benda yg menarik dan berfaedah skett...asyik tgk naruto jek..hehe..tp dh abih dh pon xder dh nk tgk..maybe i'll make a review abt naruto someday..w/pon cm citer merapu but it gives me some sort of motivation beleive it or not. i dont care org nk pk ape pon.. i just love naruto..huhu..neway fatin u shud watch it...kla nak mencari sumthing nk wat for now....

TuNGgU TeDuH dULu

alhamdulillah. just finished reading Faisal Tehrani's novel. inspirational and motivating.

well, not that i'm gonna become a story teller now and retell the stories to everyone. in the first place, i wanted to find something soothing and relaxing to do, like reading something fun. but this book is not the thing tho. it just makes my heart ache, and i felt reluctant to finish it. i managed anyway.

what's soo beguiling about this book? well it's not the book. it's just me. reading other people's stories or lives just make me reflect my own. it reminds me again that life is just a trial. people are tried with a lot of difficulties, one after another, and some who strongly hold onto their faith persevere those things without a sigh. altho i cannot directly relate the story of this powerful strong woman, Salsabila, there are a lot i can learn from the story, altho it might be a story made up by this talented author.

everyone has a story of his own. their own difficulties, and hardship and happiness. one would find another has more than one in certain things and find that another has less than one in another thing. and sometimes we can't help but to question why we don't have what other people do. and to think of it, if we keep questioning that, then we'll keep questioning until the day we die coz we'll always come upon people who have more and more than us. learn to be grateful for what we have as it seems the only way to live happily....

tunggu teduh dulu should be very significant with my life. i use to think i'd be stuck in a problem forever and when i managed to solve it i never even gave another thought of it. it just disappeared from my mind. that's where patience comes into the picture. the rain does not come all the time, and there'll be a day when it is bright and sunny. the rain comes to cleanse away dirts on the road, freshens the air and make the flowers blossom the next day. i just need to be patient.

that's what i am gonna do now, tunggu teduh dulu for whatever it is that's bothering my life.

jia you!!!

Trials after trials

Alhamdulillah just finished exam..end of one trial and here comes another and the next and the next...that's what life is all about anyway. it' s indeed a place of trial. one minute you find yourself so down you think you can barely get up and the next moment you find yourself up so high, forgetting for a moment that the very moment will last in a few seconds. just before exams i've been having an emotional hazard so bad that i couldn't cope with studying to an extent that i don't care anymore.

so i decided to look for something just to ease away my unhappiness about...well a lot of things..studies and stuff.. i found Harun Yahya's website and found lots of intetesting stuff there. articles, books etc. this one long article/short book captured my interest tho, coz it's about "secrets behind trials". exactly the thing i needed at that moment, about tests, exams and stuff. when i read this thing, i realized, i already know this..well i do. but then i forget. i forget that i am here for something, i live for something...only that at times i forget. lots of things make me forget, people, things etc..

"The world is a place of testing!". as Allah has said in the Quran:

"We did not give any human being before you immortality. And if you die, will they then be immortal? Every person shall taste death. We test you with both good and evil as a trial. ANd you will be returned to Us." (Surah al-ANbiya;, 34-35)

so this bad feeling i am having, is a test after all. sometimes i feel like shouting out to the world and give em a piece of my mind. i feel so bursting inside it's threatening to come out of my mouth. that's what unbelievers would do indeeed. one would think, failing in one part of life is the end of their life, and there's nothing else to live for anymore. even if it's just an emotional hazard like i always have. but anyway, to think that my life is going to be all straight and nice, how lame of me. what do i expect anyway. and the worse thing is wishing for something that you never know whether it's good for you. wishing u have something that other ppl have, and getting frustrated over things u cannot get or achieve. and much much worse thing getting envious over what ALlah has given other people. thanks to a friend who reminded me, we have to learn to be grateful over what ALlah has given us. and asking for something which we think is good, Allah knows better whether it is really good for us. we just gotta put our trust in Him. everything has its wisdoms behind, be it good or bad in our eyes, but He knows better.

so. whatever bad feelings i have right now, is indeed a test from Him. to make myself realize my own shortcomings improve myself. why don't i see it?? why don't i just keep that in mind? what is wrong with me?? be patient, be patient, be patient. remember Allah's promise:

"Those who say: "Our Lord is Allah" and then go straight will feel no fear and will know no sorrow. (Surah al-Ahqaf,13)

Two times celebration

Semalam kawan aku selamat diijabkabulkan. Majlis yang sangat simple. tapi berjalan lancar Alhamdulillah. kalau ikutkan mungkin agak rush sebab baru decide dalam sehari. tapi bila fikir balik benda yang baik buat apa nak tangguh2. memang ade gak terfikir kenapa la dieorang rush sangat...tak sabar-sabar. tapi bukan ke lagi bagus dari tunang lama-lama dan kesana sini dengan tunang. yang peliknya orang tak cakap pulak. tapi kalau nak terus kawin cepat2 mesti macam2 orang kata. aku pon bile fikir balik memang ade mentaliti mcm tu (mentaliti orang melayu).

sekurang2nya dieorang dah sempurnakan salah satu sunnah Rasullah. kurang satu tanggungjawab, aku belum tentu lagi ni..huhu..camna pon aku sgt heppy untuk dieorg walaupun mcm ada rase xpercaya mase time akad nikah tu..betul ker kawan aku dah jadik bini org nih?? huhu..time aku nanti mcmana la..(weng2..berangan sendiri). yang pasti aku (dgn xmalunya ckp pasal kawin ni) nak seorang suami yang soleh, yang boleh bimbing aku.

dats about the wedding. then there's Eid Mubarak. insyaAllah kalau panjang umur esok boleh celebrate Hari Raya, first time in Aussie. huhu..mungkin lagi best dr raya kat rumah sbb semua kawan2 kat sini. bile lagi kan nak raya ngan kawan2. asyik ngan family jer. tapi tak tahula. i never really looked forward to celebrate the Eid, but I'll try to since Allah has given us all Muslims this special day as a symbol of happiness and success of the MUslims after one month trial in Ramadhan. aku sepatutnya sambut dgn gumbira la kan. memang la happy tu happy jugak, tapi kenala berpada. jgn rasa terlalu excited nk raya smpai tak rasa apa2 bila Ramadhan bakal meninggalkan kita. entah sempat merasai ramadhan tahun2 depan, Allahua'lam.

one thing different about this raya, unliek prevoius ones, this is the first time raya before exams. the exam fever is on, so raya fever wont be that long. maybe one day i think. but then that's how it's suppose to be, isn't it? hopefully INsyaALlah dengan keberkatan Ramdhan dan Syawal, moga study aku pon dapat berkat. lepas ni banyak kena reflect diri, apa yang aku dah dapat masa bulan Ramadhan kali ni. ade improve ker, lagi teruk ker? aku perlu ubah mindset sebelum ni. sadly to say, i used to dread Ramadhan coz I gotta fast. it wasn't a worship, but a process of starving myself, when i really think of it. so what's the use. now i realize how much important for one to treasure it...while you can.

Syawal menjelma

Sempena kedatangan syawal dalam dua tiga hari lagi, aku ingin ambil kesempatan ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada semua umat Islam, terutamanya ahli keluarga dan sahabat2. Walaupun mungkin kedatangan Syawal amat ditunggu2, pemergian Ramadhan sgt menyedihkan hati. Kalau dihitung semula, apa yang dah aku buat selama Ramadhan ni? Apakah aku rasa apa2 kesan dalam hati, dalam setiap perkara yang aku buat? Macamana hubungan dengan Allah, dan juga dengan orang lain? Yang sedihnya, memang susah nak jawab.

Kalau lah aku tahu betapa besarnya rahmat Allah dalam bulan seribu bulan ni...kalaulah semua orang tahu...Allah dah bukakan pintu rahmatnya untuk semua umat Islam, bagi mendekatkan diri kepadaNya dan memohon keampunanNya, kenapa manusia tak berebut peluang tu? Tepuk dada dan tanya iman.

Macamanpun, aku hanya mampu mengharapkan dapat menikmati Ramadhan tahun2 akan datang. Nak kejar betul2, dan buat yang terbaik, insyaAllah. Semoga sentiasa dibawah lindungan rahmatNya.

sabar sabar sabar

astaghfirullah...aku mmg kena banyak beristighfar...kalau ikutkan perasaan marah ni taktau lah macam mana. cuma aku bkn saja marah, tapi sedih. sedih sebab kelemahan aku sendiri menyusahkan orang lain. menyebabkan aku lagi nampak kesalahan orang lain. membuatkan aku lupa yang aku lagi banyak kelemahan, keburukan yang nak kena diperbaiki. aku marah sebab aku rasa aku ada hak nak marah, seolah-olah benda ni takde kaitan langsung dgn kelemahan aku. aku sedih sebab aku tak boleh cope dengan benda ni dengan cara yang lagi berhikmah dan menjaga perhubungan. kalau ikut, kalau ikut hati, kalau ikut hati...memang rasa nak ikut hati. tapi aku nak cuba hadapi benda ni dengan tenang, dengan penuh sabar. baru ALlah bagi ujian yang kecik, ujian hati dan perasaan, ujian dengan manusia.
mungkin jugak aku yg tak menjaga hubunganNya. sebab tu lah hubungan aku dgn org lain banyak masalah. aku tak cukup perasaan rendah diri sebagai hamba kepadaNya sampai aku rasa aku layak untuk rasa lagi bagus dari orang lain. subhanALlah. ampunilah dosaku Ya ALlah. berikanlah aku petunjuk ke jalan kebenaranMu, jangan lah Kau pesongkan hatiku walaupun sekelip mata, kerana ia dah cukup melalaikan diriku. ameen.

how to get outta this

It's quite a phenomenon this thing.
could never have imagined myself going through this kinda thing, tho of coz it's nothing impossible.
i just lost it.
couldnt help it.
hate myself for that but then it happened anyway.
it keeps coming and coming and coming.
what is it actually??
how do i cope with it?
is it good or bad??
just getta hella outta my mind!
i refuse to think anymore..