here and there

there's not much to tell these past few days. nothing extraordinary happening. but that's just life, isn't it? nothing would be called extraordianry if it happens everyday. then life would be so boring. yes maybe something good's goin to happen this week. i really can't wait for the lecture by Syeikh Khalid Yassin (click to read an interview with him) on this easter weekend. to heck with the easter BBQ on this saturday. i'm so glad i don't really have to go. and the good thing is some of my friends in the hostel are going too although they have the BBQ. thank goodness i don't have to cope with the banging of the loud music all night like the previous weeks. it's so untolerable how they can have party almost every week, and right in the backyard which is facing my window. the un'sound proof' window. hurm yesterday i went to the community centre to borrow some books. hehe guess what those books are. i think i would really recommend them to others. when i finish reading then maybe i'll make a brief review about it and really recommend it to people. they're motivation books, books that guide you to change yourself, your way of thinking and seeing things from other perspectives in life. it's good enough i feel the need to change myself for the better, at least i have the willingness to do it. though i'll never know what the outcome is going to be but that's not the main point, is it?

and yesterday, before i went back home, i took a stroll with a friend along the Torrens River, which is right behind our uni. i've just realized how beautiful it is. alhtough i've been here for 3 semesters, i'd never even bothered to take a leisure stroll there. i felt such a tranquility just sitting by the river and admiring the beautiful scenery before us. and just wacthing the birds and the goose, i felt that all my stressful thoughts and problems had flown away with the them. that's is real life. life is not just working all out to make money, or studying to a breaking point to get good marks. life is about contemplating what's belied upon you by God to be admired and to really think, the real purpose of living. hurm maybe that was the thought for the day. i really should be doing it once in a while, just to put my mind off things that trouble me so much that i don't even have the feel for a real life anymore. it'll just be me and the river and the trees and the birds. nothing else matters. hurm what a good feeling.

A tiring but an unforgettable day

A tiring but an unforgettable day

Today I woke up 'early' in the morning to get ready for work instead going to class. It's Friday and I didn't have any class today. A few days ago, I was really worried about having a really short cash to last me for another one month before my next allowance. Alhamdulillah (thank Allah) for giving me this 'rezq' (what so called unpredictable grant).

Allah is the All Generous and the All Forgiving to his servants. Like last week, I dropped my hand phone somewhere, and in my heart I was praying, Ya Allah please let me get back my hand phone, let someone nice find it. And whoosh that night I found out someone had my phone and I can get it back. Wouldn’t that teach you something? Deep down inside, I'm really grateful, not totally because I get back my two dollar phone, but because Allah did listen to me. Isn't that the best thing someone could feel? I’m not really boasting about this thing. Coz I know I'm not a real good Muslim. But Allah loves us, no matter how many people (non-Muslims or even Muslims) don't believe in Him, He still grants us whatever we want, sooner or later depending how much effort we put in it. Some people will just think or say, ha it's my good 'luck'. Most people don't believe in the wisdoms behinds everything that happens in their lives. There's not a single thing that happens for no reason at all, or because Allah hates us because we are bad people, He wants us to suffer all the time. If that's the case, we wouldn't even be here anymore. Instead Allah just spares us to live and learn in life and look for His true light and guidance. If we really want it, then He will generously grant it, His love and guidance. No matter how much sin we commit, He still spares us our good lives, and gives us the chance to look for His light. Ok now I’m not lecturing or whatever. However, I think it's really a shame on us if we think that we have to be a 'qualified preacher' to talk about religion matters, or Islam. Why can't we talk about it as part of our daily casual conversation instead of having to have to be hooked up in a formal function? I'll just come about it later after I've talked about my tiring and unforgettable day, which was today.

So, I found this job ad in uni website. It was really my day, I got it. And today, I went to David's house to start the work. He's actually selling the house, and you could have guessed how much work it's going to be. And here, I went there, all on my own (what a greedy jerk I've become, I should've asked one of my friends to come along) to his house. Not entirely for my selfishness or something, maybe a bit, but because he told me it's been cleaned a bit and I thought there wouldn't be 'that' much work. And David is not a family guy; he's living with his dog. That would have made drawn back if I were in Malaysia (something about safety). But there I was. I might as well finish the task. The first few hours I started working; it was a hell of energy poured out. Maybe coz I was just warming up, ye know living alone doesn't need that much work of cleaning and it's been so long since I worked really hard. So I had almost given up. But then I thought, 'hey he's paying per hour man, you just can't miss it'. Hehe I know I could've have just done the work slowly, delay here or delay there. Gosh I didn't do that of course. That's a really mischiveous thing to do. He's generous enough to pay $16 per hour and here he's wasting his money on someone who doesn't really deserve it. Hurm I was just smiling inside. I really took my whole energy out to scrub and scrub the floor, mop, then scrub again. Argh just forget the numb limbs and the backaches. Later. This is the real life. That really made me think of how hard the Indonesian people work in Malaysia, much worse they're sometimes underpaid for their hectic job. I felt like I was in their shoes at the moment, regardless of the good thought of being Cinderella. Haha I was all bended on the floor scrubbing it with a small piece of cloth exactly like Cinderella. That's not a really bad thought. Most of the time, while I was scrubbing the walls, the floor, I was thinking about things. And once in a while, I was talking to David. He's still living there though most of his furniture had been moved. He's a really nice guy, friendly and kind. See how generous enough of him to pay $16 per hour. The hard job pays well, so backaches forgotten. At least I don't really have to think of how I'm going to eat for the next one month. Hehe. There were a lot of things we talked about. Believe it or not, I worked for 7 hours, non-stopped. But here I am typing this thing, and still not feeling sleepy or something. I had only a few minutes break once in a while. Not that he’s monitoring me all the time. He just trusted me. Those few minutes I had coffee he made. Quite a boost for my energy. I simply get high on coffee.

There was one time, I said to him "David, can I have a few more minutes break coz I have to pray?" and he was like "ok." he gave me a puzzled look. Before that we talked something about religion and he said he's a good Christian and he asked me about Islam, my scarf and on and on. So soon after I finish my prayer, he came to me and asked "what did you pray for?" I was like daaa. But I just told him, "We Muslims have to pray 5 times a day". He said "ok, but you know we can pray at all time". Once again I thought daa. But I said "yes, of course. We can pray at all time too, any time. Only that this is the formal prayer". Then ok fine we went back to work. It was almost 6, and he said, ok makes it only 7 hours. My gosh, 7 hours, I didn't even realized I worked that long. And I just said ok. I think he wanted me to stop not because he wouldn't want to give any more money to me, but because he saw me so tired, and it's so late. That one, I'm very very sure.

And then right before I leave, he said he wanted to show me something. Guess what it was. It was a pamphlet about jesus, christianity. Hurm I thought ok. Then he gave me this lecture about how good Christian is and he said jesus 'love' us whatever so on and on. And he's sorry (not that he said it but he implied it) that we Muslims are so confined in our religion that women have to put on scarf and everything. He even said (as if he knew) that what make us pray are basically fear and the feeling of guilt of not doing it. That's about what I really 'listened' to what he said. I just ordered my mind to wander off somewhere for a while till he finished his preach. Soon after I left when I was out of his sight is tore up the pamphlet (just to make more room in the bin when I threw it). Hurm I know how some people will just be horrified to hear this. They would just get offended and they'll make a bad remark about it to people who're trying to preach other religion to them. but I've had this kind of thing happened to me before, not saying I'm used to it and get really immune to it, yeah sort of, but I'm trying to see from their point of view. I'm not going to take whatever they say into my mind, only what they're doing. I'm just so amazed how these people can do it. Why not we as Muslims start doing it? Preach among ourselves Muslims who need preaching, if you can't think of preaching the non-Muslims. But they can do that so openly, without any feeling of self consciousness or the fear of being rejected or brushed off. Maybe that's our problem. We tend to think that we leave all that matters up to the preachers in the mosques. And what about people who don't go to the mosque, don't they get any right to know about Islam, and be among the good and the right ones. I'm not really saying that we have to formally form a 'da'wah' group or something to do that, and make a formal discussion about it in a "closed-up" function, limited to only the 'better people' (who deluded themselves to think that they're better than the others who are not joining their group) and excluded the other people. Of course they want you to go to their function whatever, but how they do it just make people become more and more hesitant to even come close to them. Believe me I am actually one of them, the latter. Forsake the fact that I’ve been one of the former before; I've actually realized I got nothing more than the facts from the functions I went to. Maybe at times, when we were getting really hooked up about some issues regarding this and this and people were just so boosted about it. It simply lasted at that time, but that's that. When I went back home, I went blank again. There's nothing wrong with the knowledge I got from there, just the understanding of the people in there that really confuses me. How they really understand what’s going on. Not saying I understand better than them. Just that I don't. And it made me feel bad about it. Why would I wanna go all these time? What's the real reason? Of course to get knowledge. And I got exactly that and nothing more. No bonding with the people whatsoever. Though that’s what they're really stressing about, I never felt it. I just wondered, is it my own fault coz I'm a loner, hard-to-get-along person or whatever. Yeah I have some real strong bonding with some people because I've known them on other basis, such as my classmates, my course mates, my 'peers'. Now this is not the right time to talk about it, but I'll just let people know what I really think of that next time. The bonds formed is totally not because I go to the functions, far less because we're sisters in Islam. I probably can delude myself it's exactly because of that but for how long. I couldn't find myself to really love them. God forbids me for being frank.

Well I can go on and on pointing my one finger to others, only that the other four will point back at me. There's nothing wrong with Islam. It's very flexible and very open. I'm just saying my heart out loud how I really want to become a real Muslim and find the best way for that. Not make me like this, judging other people, and blaming them for my own lack of understanding. And here I am, feeling that I'm being judged when I would not be really certain about it. But I don't really have to wait till someone really voice out their judge mentality to me. You can always feel, because it's true or because you feel guilty about it. But no. I won't feel guilty for no reason. There's nothing whatsoever I have against my beloved religion, only against those who makes me feel like I'm not a good Muslim enough and have to suppress their bursting heart to voice exactly that to my face. Sorry. I'm just out of stock for that. I love Islam, and I want to make sure I love to be among people who'll really make me love Islam more and more, and really "work" for the religion instead of 'voicing out' and 'pointing out' whether to do this or that.

Well, that's actually the real unforgettable thing about my life today. The wisdom behind it. Not the events alone. But behind the events or things that happened to me in this short tiring day, I learnt something. And that's worth a thousand years. Until and for now.

nothing much

this is the 4^th week of my new semester, and here I thought I’ve made a vow to myself not to miss ‘a’ class at all. easier said than done. if only the lecture wouldn’t be at 9 in the morning then I wouldn’t have much trouble getting up. hehe another excuse. the thing is I’m always a midnite cruiser. midnight is the beginning of my day. gush what an owl I’ve become. I shouldn’t have slept late last night. but I had to finish my tute. see how one thing leads to another. you delay one thing, then another thing comes up. the feeling was horrible. I was even late for the appointment with the student advisor. this morning was nothing to be proud of. I gotta find some way to get rid of this habit.

thankfully my day hadn’t actually turned out to be all disastrous and upsetting. I managed to finish my accounting tute and did pretty well in class. something that should motivate me not to do last minute works anymore. unlike last year, when I really felt horrible sitting in a class where I had no idea what so ever of what the tutor was talking about. I might as well not go at all. and that’s all going to really change soon. I’ve already changed a bit. Something I’m quite proud of.

There were things that made me really excited me today. Such as the thought of going to Sydney this autumn break. I’ve finally decided to go. for me when it comes to traveling, money is not really an issue. Not because I’m too rich to care, but because I think you can always find money. but you don’t always get the opportunity. I’m just thinking, well it’s now or never. I’ve realized these past few months; I’ve developed some sort of new thoughts about what I want in life. I’m positive that one of the reasons for that is because I traveled a lot lately and I’ve seen many places and met so many people that I feel so much more open-minded. So I think it is worth the small amount of money for me to go and explore places while I’m still here. So Sydney here I come. alhamdulillah I managed to get a job somewhere, maybe I wouldn’t earn that much but enough for me to survive and save for the trip.

after class today, I bumped into Lauren, my last year’s economic tute mate. we have become really close since last year. she’s a real nice and sweet person. not like most of the aussies girls. so we had coffee and a bit chit chat to catch up with things. one the things she talked about was the camp she had with the church. hurm sometimes I think, why not a muslim be proud enough to talk about Islam to the non-muslim people, when they are all lighted up talking about it to anyone. even sometimes, I feel a hesitation to talk about it to the non-muslims. for myself, I’m afraid they would feel comfortable enough with issue. but you see how they can so animatedly talk about it to us. and they don’t even care how we feel. I mean they don’t think being open about religious matter is improper. coz it isn’t. yeah maybe she’s a minister’s daughter, she’s quite pious in her religion. and I’m pretty sure we probably have some sort of conflict to really talk about it because we think we’re not pious enough. how could we? we cant even talk about Islam as a normal conversation between us muslims. and when you do talk about it, the ‘muslims’ themselves will probably give you a ‘look’ that says “hurm this guy/girl is too shallow. this is a modern world. you don’t talk about Islam man. you leave that to the pious people in the mosques”. I’m hardly saying I’m really good in islam. but I’m trying to be a good muslimah. who wouldn’t wanna be? hopefully it would be some day. ok that’s about it what we had during our chit chat. we talked about so many things like what we did during holidays and on and on. it was simply cool and nice to see her again. we really should be catching up more often with each other.

A trying-to-be-brief review of my life these past few months..

A trying-to-be-brief review of my life these past few months..

Although I've put up this blog quite for a long time, I've just realized how I haven't made full use of it to make a real review of my life at this instant I'm living. It was just that, I was so confused of myself, of what I am, how I am and what I'm going to do. I must admit I was scared to think of how people will think of me, bloody stupid that is. And since you can never live up to people's expectations, or to control of what they think of you, and how they treat you, why letting them make you hold yourself back from being who you really are. It doesn’t matter one way or another. You are what you are. Just because you want to befriend someone’s cute, you want to be that. Of coz you can’t.. I think I’m beginning to understand (not really understand yet), that you are what you let yourself to think you are. When you think you are a bore, then you’ll always carry that thought wherever you go and make yourself a bore. Coz that’s what you think of yourself. Just forsake what others think coz you will never be able to control other people’s thoughts. Only what you think of yourself will matter. (Hopefully this resolution will show in my life, not just a sudden thought)

These past few months:

When I came back from Japan, part of me was really boasting about it, hehe. I felt lucky to have such opportunity to travel (not that someone offered me the money to go travel tho, erm maybe dats rite, thanks to you mum). It was really worth it. To heck with those few thousands spent, but I gain a lot more than the short-lived fun of the trip. It was totally something more precious. Experience! And the chance to meet up people and see a country you’ve only seen on maps. It’s a no wonder I started complaining about my own country when I do the comparison of what’s there and what’s not here, my own ‘beloved’ country. I started to be critical and analytical. Part of the reason I started to think of why I shouldn’t just accept what I am, and what I have today. Leave greed out of this.

Yeah that’s the good part of my trip there. There’s always the bad part. I couldn’t stand of being there more than those 3 long weeks. That was enough I guess. I was missing home, and some problems came up that needed me home as soon as possible. How problems just disconcert you even when you’re trying to have fun.

Strange how the best day of my trip was the day we’re going back home. pretty contrast but that’s the real thing. I can say the best day of my life was to get to see my mum again. The days spent wif your parents should always be the happiest and the best days of our lives since you can return to the source of your comfort. Spending my holiday home was among the best time I’ve ever had. Even when I was confined in the house because of the heat and so on. I felt good. And the whole month I spent home before going back to Adelaide, I was trying to contain my unhappiness of having to go back. Been rattling about it most of the time. And when the time really came, I felt nothing. I figured I had felt homesick enough before even coming back here, and so there was no more feeling of homesick in me afterward. How uncanny.

I felt nothing when I came back here. Maybe a bit worried. Another same problem I have every semester. Gosh this is the third time. What a pattern I made. Maybe someone should have given me a nick ‘miss-every-semester-has-to-move-out’. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’ll just laugh then. haha. Serve me right in a way but very useful in another.
I get to really settle myself of where I’m living, with whom, and how it suits me. ‘For the time being’, I’m living in a hostel which happened not to be in my list of plans. But still I got here. And that’s good enough for me for now. I get to set my mind clear of all distracting things that relates to people. I can think more clearly now, at least for the time being. It’s not really good in a way to some people, coz they think you don’t get to socialize and mingle with people you’re living with. Well trust me I’ve had enough socializing and mingling with people that I end up here, where I am now. Whatever people might think I’m a hard-to-get-along person what-so-ever, I just don’t care. Not when you’ve had all that and you end up getting so distracted of your main purpose why you’re even here. It doesn’t worth a penny. Now I’m sounding like a real moron who’s holding a grudge or prejudice against people. I still think people need friends. But it goes that ‘you can never live without friends, but you simply cannot live with them’. How true is that? I find that the more I’m close to a person, the more I’m beginning to hate her starting-to-be-revealed real attitude which just pissed me off in way that I’m even starting to hate myself for that. Not that I don’t believe in having good or best friends, coz I have those, but just set your mind that not everyone can be that. When I started to know a person better, an ordinary friend at first, I would think really carefully of how well I get along with this person, and how well she accepts me. I’ll just see what we have in common, and then I’ll just share only things we have in common. That’s the best thing to do for the time being until you discover the potential of them becoming a real truest friend. At least for me. now that’s the thing about moving out. Not that friends become the main reason why I move around so much, there were other problems of course. I wouldn’t wanna bother talking about those tho.

Starting my new year, new semester at least has to mean something to me. It does. In a really significant way. It’s starting now or never, that I’ve learned my lesson not to neglect my studies with other distracting things. Not that I can never have a life what-so-ever and not do the other stuffs, like going to tafseer class and swimming lesson on Sundays, or going out with friends to rundell mall. But I’m tying really hard to really focus. Coz that’s the real reason I’m here, to focus on what I came here to do. Finish off my degree. One might say I could have done that back home where it’s closer to families and comfortable surrounding. But that’s exactly the point. To drag myself out of the comfort zone and try something more adventurous and challenging. Something that adds spices to your short boring life and make you something more than you would be without having gone through all that. for myself, it is a real challenge, being here in a completely strange surrounding with strangers, and strange way of life other than you’d known your 19 years of living (for myself). This is where I can tell how ‘big’ the place I had been living in all these time is. I just wondered how I managed to get that shy and timid girl out of me. Without noticing it, here I am. I feel a bit more assured about myself. I wouldn’t imagined where I’d be now if I had taken the other road, the clear path which many people had gone through since it wasn’t as bushy and thorny as the other.
One of the things that really put me off the hook was how I was going to catch up with these white people who can simply doze off in lectures and still excel in their exams (only few genius people do that lol). And it took me a one good year to learn and adapt to their system. Not that dozing off in lectures tho. One good wasted year. I really hope, this instant I’m jotting this down, there would be no more regret about this in the future. Never again. It doesn’t mean I always have to excel to be happy. Simply the thought that I have put all the best I got into it. That’s what’s really going to make me really overwhelmingly happy, whatever the outcome is. Oh God let me be strong in this.

Ok I’ll just have to put aside the ‘study’ stuffs for now though. Such a distressing thought which should not be a thought alone, but action ma. An interesting part of moving here, this village is that I get to see more people instead of the few people I live with when I shared a house. Only that they’re not from your usual or ‘comfortable’ circle of people. of course sometimes I find it really annoying about these people’s behavior such as when they were having parties right in the backyard which happens to be the nearest to my window. With all those banging of music, I felt like banging some sense into them. That’s what I mean when I say ‘comfortable’ circle of people. But of course who am I to dictate how they should behave tho the idea really thrills me. Some are nice some are just not so nice. Another thing that we have to cope in life. Thankfully I make some friends with the nice people here. Particularly in the kitchen. it was quite disconcerting at first because most of them are guys. But what the heck I’m hungry. I might as well starve. Besides, what do I have against guys. They are human only of different type. Now I don’t find the idea of having a bit chit chat with them harmful (being a Muslim as I am, like you’re not supposed to talk to men or something). Indeed, it makes me no more awkward or self conscious with them so I wouldn’t pay more heed than necessary to them (I never thought being self conscious is good). And there’re also the girls with whom I made friends. They’re real nice. i'm doing ok for now tho once in awhile i talk to the walls. but what the heck i'm as happy as i could be. omisgosh not that! i'm still sane. totally.

hurm i think that's all for now. very brief isnt it. but nothing is simply and brief in life to describe.